I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
