i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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