I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
