i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
