dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
