we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Text me some of your sweat
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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