why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
God, I missed his penis.
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