My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
