Don't make out with my wife yet
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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