I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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