Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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