Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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