shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
