my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
