did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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