somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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