i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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