Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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