ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
