I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
