It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
