the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Girls should come with a carfax report
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
