I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
