Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
