I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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