Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
