I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
