There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
