I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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