Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I fill condoms, not promises.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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