mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
