I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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