my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
