When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We left the knife in your bed.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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