I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
