don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
