I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm like, not good at living.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
