when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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