I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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