i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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