Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
