So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
