I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
