chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
