Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
