My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
