Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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