i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
