Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
