I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
