ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
