Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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